it feels like i'm back in the bipolar rapid cycling, though it's only been a week since i first noticed it. maybe it'll pass, maybe it won't. i'm trying not to intentionally stay in the dumps, but it's hard, of course.
turns out the benefits package at my new job isn't going to be very good... will have to tack on a second job for sure. i start on the 20th, and i may or may not take next week off from the library just to clear my head -- it's a matter of whether or not i trust myself with that much free time. i tend to get pretty bad depressive spells when i'm alone for too long [too long sometimes = a day], be it from some existential crisis or just feelings of loneliness/hopelessness. unless i have a real plan for that free week, it'd probably be best to just not have it.
anyway. before i get drunk tonight i feel the need to get some resolutions down, big and small. some are 'duh', some are not-so-duh. on with it.
NO MORE GAMBLING. not in a casino, not on the computer, not in a dark alley. nowheres.
this hardly needs a reason, but i'll write several anyway.
i don't have the money to be doing this.
playing at all is a losing proposition. i'm not going to come out ahead.
the idea of 'setting a limit' or 'only bringing $X into the casino' never works. i always change my mind at the last minute or can't help myself.
SO: there are better things i can do with my time than use it to piss my money away; i could be reading a book, writing a song, watching tv, out with friends... hell i'm receiving a violin in about a week, i could spend time learning that.
the main point is that it's a huge price to pay for such fleeting entertainment.
penalty for breaking this resolution: being broke as fuck and a failure with no self-control.
QUIT SMOKING BY HALLOWEEN. well, tobacco anyway.
this is extremely expensive to keep up, 'specially with the tax going up and all. rough calculation: smoking roughly 1/2 pack a day, that's 15 packs a month, 180 packs/year, 10 packs in a carton, carton runs $50-55... so it's costing me about $1000/year to fill my lungs with tar and slowly kill myself. NO THX.
i'd rather not die a slow, painful, cancerous death... not if i can help it.
my teeth are already discoloring from the cigs.
it's gross; i feel like an ass when i've got a lit cigarette in a crowd.
the 'people i meet through smoking' are usually lameass bums anyway.
SO: as soon as i have enough money to buy the nicorette, the gum the patch whatever the fuck it is, i'm going to do it. it may be expensive as fuck, but it'll be far less than the price of being hooked on cancer sticks for the rest of my life. and of course there's the health benefits, i.e., being able to run a mile without passing out.
the main point is that it's killing me softly and i'd rather it didn't.
penalty for breaking this resolution: FUCKIN' LUNG CANCER, MAN. and also poorness. and also brown teef.
LOSE 25 LBS BY HALLOWEEN. need to make room for that candy corn, mmm-mmm.
though i'm nowhere near my rather amazing high-point of 290 four years ago, my weight is still a problem.
makes me less confident. makes me uglier. makes my favorite shirts not fit. makes beachgoing unpleasing. makes my feets hurt. makes me die faster.
and not exercising lets depression in much ezpzer.
SO: there's a treadmill right next to my bed. seriously. literally. it's just there. i've used it twice. right now it's got my books, guitar, and towel on it. i should do at least a mini-run every day, either before or after work.
there's a planet fitness right next to where i'll be working. seriously. literally. it's just there. it's $10/month and full of cardio equipment.
i mean, really, there's no reason for me to NOT lose weight in the coming months.
the main point is that having no money makes it really easy to haul my ass down to mcdonalds to wolf down mcchickens at a buck apiece, but i could easily make meals by myself cheaper [and healthier] than that.
penalty for breaking this resolution: DEATH BY CHZBRGR.
[lesser resolutions]:
stop holding back on my voice when in a non-car situation.
learn how to and master making basic drinks.
accept that my friends back home ain't gon help launch my soon-to-be-amazing music career and go it alone. addendum: throw down at least two tracks, complete, within two months. addendum addendum: AGAIN, STOP holding back on my voice. really, i notice it. there's this little fear persistent in the back of my head when sing anywhere but my car, like someone has their ear to the door and is going to laugh their ass off at my pathetic performance. tri-dendum: see about singing lessons.
Maybe you should go out and karaoke so you can take the big step of singing in front of other people. :) It might be a little awkward at first but once you're used to letting them hear your voice, I'm sure you'll be more comfortable ^___^b
Comments (1)
i love the violin! What made you pick it up?
Maybe you should go out and karaoke so you can take the big step of singing in front of other people. :) It might be a little awkward at first but once you're used to letting them hear your voice, I'm sure you'll be more comfortable ^___^b